DBT Deep Dive: When "But" Really is More Accurate than "And"
Written and Narrated by Vivian Talamantes, MSW, LMSW
My clients already know the drill. We’re reviewing their diary cards for the past week, or maybe they’re telling me about some emotion-inducing situation, and suddenly the forbidden word flies from their mouth.
“….but….”
They stop in their tracks like a dog who’s just been caught nibbling on their human’s unattended food. We make eye contact, I give them a look, perhaps even raise an eyebrow. The seasoned ones already know what to expect and immediately replace that “but” with an “and,” taking the pressure to perform off of my forehead muscles. The newer ones—and sometimes even seasoned ones on days they’re feeling particularly willful—unintentionally invite a brief reminder about the significance of the word “and.”
Okay, I promise it doesn’t actually happen that dramatically in sessions, especially for all my future clients reading this. However, I do genuinely spend a fair amount of time with folks retraining their brains to think dialectically, which involves replacing that pesky B-word with “and.” Aaaand why is that so important? Well, it’s what the D stands for in DBT. Dialectics encompasses the idea that truth can exist even in two things that seem like they’re mutually exclusive or completely in opposition with one another.
Our brains tend to default to black-or-white, all-or-nothing thinking. (Hot tip: You can often catch yourself in these thinking patterns if you’re saying things like “always,” “never,” “perfect,” or “the worst,” particularly in scenarios where those words aren’t accurate descriptions of what’s going on.) That makes total sense when you think about how much our brains crave certainty, especially knowing that for many of us, safety exists in certainty. Thing is, though, that stagnation also often exists in certainty. As soon as we believe we’ve found the “right” truth or the “one” solution to a problem, we lose flexibility to consider other perspectives and outcomes. Not only does thinking in absolutes make it harder to problem solve or radically accept a situation for what it is, it may also actively block us from action plans that would serve us better than the ones we originally concocted.
Let’s start with a lighthearted example: “The forecast says it might rain today, BUT it’s sunny out right now!”
When we hear that, we’re inclined to think that because it’s sunny out, it’s not likely to rain after all. (Or, if you’re anything like me, you’ll underestimate the amount of time you’re planning to spend outdoors and think you can beat the impending rain shower for as long as the sun’s out. Let me tell you: that has seldom ended with me being 100% dry by the time I get home.) This is because using “but” in the middle of our sentences tends to cancel out everything before it. As such, we might go about our business thinking the rain won’t come. More so, we may not have adequately prepared for the rain (or “coped ahead” for seasoned DBT folks reading this) by packing an umbrella, wearing a waterproof coat, or revisiting our day’s plans, all because we focused our sights solely on the sun. Issue there is, focusing our sights on just the sun usually hurts our eyes and impairs our vision, both literally and metaphorically if you’re catching my drift here.
“....Using ‘but’ in the middle of our sentences tends to cancel out everything before it.”
Now, I know that the weather forecast may not be your most pressing concern right now. Consider, though, what impact it might have on your life if you don’t accommodate for severe rainy weather while on your way to the most important job interview ever, or if you procrastinated on picking up your prescription from the pharmacy only for freezing rain to have covered the streets in ice on the night you officially ran out of your medication. (Totally not speaking from personal experience with that second example.) Let’s also consider another example that’s actually at the core of most things we do in DBT:
“You can accept yourself the way you are, AND still want to change.”
The “and” is extraordinarily important here, even more so than in the previous example, and I’ll begin explaining why by first imagining if we had kept “but” in the above sentence. In using “but” instead of “and,” our sights would focus more on the latter half about change. That desire for change is what brings so many people to St. Louis DBT and therapy in general, because they don’t want to continue living as painfully as they have been. It makes a lot of sense why someone would set their sights on all the ways they could improve. However, that intense yearning for change sometimes ironically keeps people more stuck than anything else. This is because it keeps them from being able to acknowledge or accept themselves as they currently are—including all of the circumstances that led them here—which then leads to shame spirals that keep them paralyzed in their current patterns. Very little momentum forward can come from shame, especially when it’s strong or doesn’t fit the facts (more on that in a separate blog post to come).
However, that “and” up there allows for way more possibilities than just change, simply because it doesn’t cancel out the truth in accepting ourselves the way we currently are. For as much as each of us may want immense change in our lives, I’m willing to hedge my best bet that there are some parts of our lives and ourselves that we don’t mind. (Dare I say, some parts we might actually relish in and enjoy as is?) I’ve additionally found—in both my professional experience with clients and personal experiences a a living human—that accepting our thornier, crispier, harder-to-enjoy parts paves a path forward towards change more efficiently and effectively than berating ourselves for having those parts ever has. This has everything to do with being able to offer ourselves validation and compassion, which affords us the opportunity to meet ourselves where we’re at instead of writing ourselves off as unforgivable, irredeemable, and you guessed it: unchangeable. Without self-validation and compassion, we stamp fatalistic labels on ourselves that inadvertently gives us permission to continue doing exactly what we are without changing, a punishment that is both way too harsh and way too easy. Isn’t it wild how changing a single three-letter word can spark this level of liberatory change?
“Isn’t it wild how changing a single three-letter word can spark this level of liberatory change?”
So yeah, that’s why I do my little eyebrow waggle when I catch my clients (and myself!) use “but” instead of “and.” You’re probably wondering, though: “Vivian, when are you going to explain the times where I won’t get an inquisitive eyebrow from you for using the word ‘but’ in a sentence?” Good question! One that I implicitly answered above. “But” works best when you genuinely do want to cancel out the first part of your sentence. There are times where that cancellation (or in proper DBT terminology, invalidation) can actually be helpful. Consider the next few examples:
“I know you’re crying because you think I said your sister passed away last night, BUT I actually said your sister danced the night away!” In this example, we’re using “but” to correct a misunderstanding based on factually incorrect information. Corrective feedback can be super important, especially when a whole lot of grief (whether death-related or not) can be avoided by giving it.
“I understand that’s what you want from me, BUT I’m telling you this is the boundary I’m setting and sticking to.” Here, there’s an intentional choice to invalidate the other person’s request in an effort to observe our own limits to the best of our ability. (Key word being intentional, in that you’ve ideally already considered some middle paths and decided that those simply won’t be enough for what the situation calls.)
“It makes sense that you wanted to get your ball from the road, BUT you can’t run out onto the street without looking both ways for cars.” Similar to the previous example, this statement is an intentional decision to invalidate Little Timmy’s urge to run after the ball he accidentally kicked into the street. There are still notes of validation—e.g. “it makes sense” because we can probably understand Timmy’s urgency in getting his ball back—yet the severity of the situation and it being life-or-death necessitates such strong corrective feedback that we need a “but” in there.
To sum up, using “but” is more accurate than “and” when the first part of your sentence has little to no weight compared to the latter half of your statement, whether factually or because you don’t want it to. I’ve definitely had clients that occasionally meet my upturned eyebrow with, “No, this is actually a ‘but’ situation, Viv,” to which I gently nod and allow them to continue. I’m not so far removed from reality and into DBT that I can’t recognize, sometimes, the B-word is exactly what we mean to say.
No “if”s, “and”s, only “but”s about it.
About the Author
Vivian Talamantes, MSW, LMSW contains multitudes, both in everyday life and in their various St. Louis DBT roles: individual therapist, skills group leader, intake coordinator, blog writer extraordinaire, staff cheerleader.
Vivian is originally from sunny Los Angeles County and completed their Bachelors in Psychology and Health Studies at the University of San Francisco in 2019. They became an honorary St. Louisian after graduating from Washington University in 2022 with their Master of Social Work. With degree concentrations in both Mental Health and Sexual Health Education, they’re passionate about providing therapy to individuals who currently struggle in their relationships with themselves and others after having experienced relational trauma. They additionally adore facilitating educational classes such as DBT skills groups, DEI workshops, and health courses. Underpinning all of their educational and professional history is their own ongoing lived experience with mental health, which they use to subtly yet powerfully influence their practice.
If you enjoy reading their posts and believe you might benefit from connecting with them, you can learn more about Vivian’s style and how to become a client of theirs here, or email them directly at vivian@stldbt.com.