The Ego and Parenting
Are you parenting, or is your ego?
What is the Ego?
A part of our psychology, our Ego mind is our brain that judges, gossips, and wants gratification. Ego, according to Freud, is our sense of self. Over time, our ego is formed from interactions with our environment. We will join groups to identify with, form values and beliefs and so forth. This means your ego can be influenced by your culture and society.
Sometimes we cling to our ego. When we cling to our ego, we are accepting ourselves as one thing. This one entity is static and unmoving. In DBT, we agree that there are two truths in each situation. This is called a dialectic. DBT reminds us that we are constantly changing. When you opened this blog post to when you are reading this line, you have changed. So, if we are able to “unstick” ourselves from our ego’s thoughts, we can be open, fluid, and be less resistant to change.
How does this play into parenting?
Egocentrism is a product of our ego’s existence. If you look up egocentrism on the American Psychological Association Dictionary site, you will find the following definition, “the tendency to emphasize one’s own needs, concerns, and outcomes rather than those of others,” (APA, 2022). This means we are accepting that the way we feel is the right and only way. We think, if something does not fit my expectations, then it is wrong, and I will suffer.
Here are some examples:
Situation: You are getting both children ready for school. One child is taking what seems like forever to brush their teeth and get dressed. The other child is running around looking for his shoes. You are now 10 minutes behind schedule.
Your ego says: What is UP with these children?! I need to yell at them to move faster! Don’t they know school starts in one HOUR?! They SHOULD be ready by now; we do this every day! Then your ego starts to believe: If I cannot get my children to school on time, I must be a bad parent.
Situation: You are having grandma over for Mother’s Day. As you gather to chat and catch up, your 8-year-old is not interested in sitting in the living room with the family. Instead, he is asking to get on his iPad excessively and to go outside to play. He starts to fidget and is getting restless.
Your ego says: What is wrong with this kid? They SHOULD want to spend time with their grandma. Don’t they know the whining is making me look bad in front of my mom? They SHOULD know to behave better. Then your ego starts to believe: If I cannot get my kid to sit still, then I am a bad parent. My kid should be able to sit still.
When we have a buildup of our ego’s words beliefs, we may choose our own wants over our child’s needs. This can lead to punishment, especially when these thoughts shift us into Emotion Mind. When we turn to punishment in Emotion Mind, we are more likely to use force. We cannot break children into fitting our molds. You get the temporary relief of getting your child to sit still after hitting them, but that temporary relief comes at the expense of your child.
If you find that you are struggling with letting your ego take over, there are a few DBT skills that can help.
PLEASE
The PLEASE skill is foundational. We cannot make our best choices without taking care of ourselves first. PLEASE discusses the importance of self-care, which is not your typical meditation and bath bombs self-care. You can learn about the PLEASE skill here: ABC Please Skill - Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) Tools
Observe
The skill of observing is doing more than just seeing. When we observe, we look inside of ourselves too. We look for urges. If we are able to observe our urges to control, we can then start to move towards reprogramming them into healthy behaviors. Learning to use the Observe skill is hard, and if we practice, it will become strong just like a muscle.
Do What Works (Effectiveness)
When we think about being effective, we think about outcome. What is the best way to get to our desired outcome? Consider the above situation with getting the kids ready for school. What would being effective look like here? Accepting that you will be late dropping them off. Effectiveness might look like letting go of the rigid schedule you have created, and just letting things be as they are.
You might need to play around to find out what is most effective for you. Once I was a babysitter, and I decided to test out the strict, time crunch, by the books approach vs. what I called the Disney approach which was over the top joy, I sang a song or two, and helped the kids get ready. Not surprisingly, my Disney approach was the most effective in getting us out the door.
We also encourage choosing your battles wisely.
Engage in Pleasant Activities
Sometimes, our ego puts up blinders that hide the good times our kids have had with us. We can be so goal driven with our children (getting them to practice, making sure they get straight A’s, etc.) that we forget to engage in non-achievement-based activities with them. Make sure you are balancing your time with them with fun activities too. This can include drawing together, going for ice cream, going to the Zoo, or just looking at magazines together. This can remind you that your child is a human too, with hope that in times of intense ego urges, you can remember that they have wants and needs too.
With a little help from DBT skills, we can try to remain present, in the moment, while interacting with our children. We can use these skills to parent from Wise Mind, rather than from our ego. Remember that parental behavior takes precedence over the child’s behavior.