Is My Teen a "Budding Borderline"?: Understanding Emotional Struggles in Adolescents
Adolescence is a stormy season in anyone’s life. One moment a teen is sweet and engaged; the next, they’re slamming doors and insisting you "just don’t get it."
Moods and personalities change from day to day and even minute to minute. On Thursday they are happily telling you all about the Chem test they aced and by Friday they are breaking curfew and getting caught vaping by the neighbors. Things that should be pretty upsetting like a poor grade or a lost job might be nonchalantly cast aside while seemingly small things like a friend that took 5 minutes to respond to a text can send them into an emotional tailspin.
It’s normal for parents to wonder: Is this just typical teen behavior, or something more serious?
Today's teens are getting tons of information about mental health issues from TikTok. The TikTok docs have them diagnosing themselves with everything from Bipolar to Tourette's syndrome. In my practice, we've been seeing an increase in self diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
BPD is a serious and complex diagnosis that involves intense emotional experiences, rocky relationships, impulsive and sometimes dangerous behaviors, and a general intolerance for stress and criticism. Although it should only be diagnosed by a mental health professional, parents and teens can certainly be on the lookout for signs and symptoms that would indicate the probability of BPD. As with any disorder, the earlier it is detected and treated, the more likely successful treatment will provide relief and hope for the future.
If you're concerned your teen might be showing signs of borderline personality traits—or what some refer to as a “budding borderline”—you’re not alone. It's a complex topic, and it deserves a thoughtful, informed approach.
What Is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and what does it look like in a teenager?
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) is a mental health condition characterized by intense emotional swings, unstable relationships, poor self-image, and impulsive behaviors. It typically begins to show up in late adolescence or early adulthood.
Because teens are naturally emotional and still developing a sense of self, it can be tricky to tell the difference between typical growing pains and early signs of BPD. Thus, even though the disorder can be diagnosed in people under 18, typical developmental stages of adolescence should be considered prior to diagnosis.
What are the 9 diagnostic dimensions of BPD and how do they differ in typical teens vs budding borderlines?
Early Warning Signs to Watch For
A diagnosis of BPD requires 5 of the 9 symptoms listed above. However, since so many of them are similar to typical teen behavior, how can you tell if you should be concerned? Here are some patterns that might raise a flag, especially if they are intense, long-lasting, and interfering with your teen’s life:
Self-harm or suicidal talk – Cutting, burning, or talking about wanting to die, even if it's framed as “just a way to cope.” Occasionally teens will "try on" different coping techniques they see their friends using, or that they think might work. Self-injury can be one of those things. It's important that if you see any signs of self-injury that you address it immediately. If they say that they had a sense of relief after self harming, they are using it to regulate. Therapy can help them learn better ways to accomplish this.
Emotional volatility – Mood swings that are extreme, sudden, and hard to calm down from. Your teen might go from joyful to devastated within minutes. In general, mood swings are typical of adolescence, thanks to hormones and other biological and social factors. If your teen’s mood swings seem extreme, result in impulsive or destructive behavior, or if they are having significant difficulty getting back into regulation, they may benefit from the assistance of a professional.
Black-and-white thinking – Seeing people (including you) as either all-good or all-bad, and switching between idolizing and devaluing them. We all have the capacity to engage in black-and-white thinking upon occasion, but folks with BPD tend to struggle with viewing any gray areas.
Fear of abandonment – Reacting intensely to perceived rejection or distance, even if it's brief or unintended. One of the main tasks of the adolescent developmental stage is separating from their family of origin and finding a new tribe. If they feel rejected by that new tribe, it can seem life-threatening. This is an evolutionary response handed down from our ancestors. If our ancient ancestors were shunned from the group or village, it meant certain death. Thus, a fear of abandonment is hardwired into every human. It becomes a problem, however, when our behaviors results in the very thing we fear most, in this case, pushing people away or burning them out.
Impulsive behaviors – Risky actions like reckless driving, binge eating, unsafe sex, or substance use. The avatar of a typical teen is rebellious, mouthy, and risk-taking. They don’t tend to think too much in terms of long-term consequences and that is how their brains are set up. However, if rebellious becomes reckless and risks could lead to life-threatening circumstances, those are red flags. DBT skills classes can be a valuable place for your teen to learn easy to use skills to help them identify urges and evaluate choices before they act on them.
Chronic emptiness – Saying they feel numb, hollow, or like they don’t know who they are. Adolescence is a time of self-discovery. Finding their place in the world is a daunting task. If they feel overwhelmed by this phase of life, mindfulness skills can help teens to tune in to their present experience, worry less about their past and stress less about their future.
Unstable relationships – Falling in and out of friendships or romantic relationships quickly and intensely. Rocky relationships seem to be a hallmark of adolescence, so what do you need to be on the lookout for here? An over reliance on one person, engaging in unprotected sex to feel wanted or desirable, using drugs to fit into a social group, begging a friend not to go out without them — these are all examples of the sort of desperate behaviors you see in unstable relationships. These teen years are a critical time for learning to deal with conflict, disappointment, love/lust, desire, differences, loneliness, and navigating relationships. If your teen is struggling now, please consider a program that can offer them skills for improving interpersonal effectiveness and coping with tolerating distress in relationships.
It’s important to note: One or two of these signs doesn’t mean your teen has BPD. Everyone struggles at times, especially during adolescence. But if these patterns are consistent, distressing, and seem beyond what’s typical, it may be time to take a closer look.
What Causes Borderline Traits?
There’s no single cause, but several risk factors can increase vulnerability:
Genetics – Several biological factors can lead to people being more emotioinally vulnerable or sensitive including differences in brain structure, hormones, chronic or developmental illnesses, and mental health issues.
Trauma – Childhood abuse, neglect, sexual assault, or major losses can cause early disruption in the development of resilience and emotional coping skills.
Sensitive temperament – Teens who feel things more deeply may be more prone to emotional overwhelm which, in turn, leads to difficulties in solving the problems that caused the primary emotion. It then becomes a vicious cycle of problem —> emotion —> overwhelm —> lack of problem-solving —> more problems —> more emotions . . .
Invalidating environments – Environments where a child’s emotions are not understood, or are dismissed, minimized, or punished can contribute to the development of BPD traits.
How Can Parents Help?
If your teen is showing signs that concern you, here’s what you can do:
1. Don’t panic—but don’t ignore it.
Your fear is valid, but reacting with shame, punishment, or panic can worsen things. Stay calm, curious, and supportive. Do not judge or criticize the behaviors. Attempt to understand the underlying emotion and convey what makes sense about it.
2. Start the conversation.
Use open-ended, nonjudgmental language like:
"I’ve noticed you’ve been having a tough time lately. I’m here if you want to talk about it—or we can find someone together who can help."
3. Get a professional evaluation.
Seek a therapist or psychologist experienced in adolescent mental health and personality disorders. Early intervention matters. A diagnosis isn’t always made in the teen years—but recognizing patterns early can lead to meaningful support.
4. Explore DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy).
DBT is one of the most effective therapies for BPD and emotional dysregulation. It teaches coping skills for big emotions, helps teens build resilience, and supports families in creating a validating environment.
5. Take care of yourself, too.
Supporting a struggling teen can be emotionally draining. You deserve support, guidance, and compassion along the way. Consider joining a support group or finding your own therapist. St. Louis DBT offers virtual workshops and classes for parents and supporters of folks with BPD.
Final Thoughts: Hope and Healing Are Possible
The phrase “budding borderline” can sound scary—but it’s not a life sentence. With early support, many teens with borderline traits go on to live full, stable, and meaningful lives. What matters most is not labeling your teen, but listening, learning, and walking beside them as they grow.
If you’re worried, don’t wait for a crisis. The earlier you reach out for help, the more tools you—and your teen—can build for the road ahead.
Need Support?
If you live in Missouri and you’d like help finding a therapist for your teen or want to learn more about DBT and parent support groups, reach out to the intake staff at St. Louis DBT.
You're not alone. There’s help—and hope.